The Bad Place

Everyone says that kids and young adults are more disrespectful today. I would guess that everybody says this about the generation that comes after them. At least in the last couple centuries. So I have been thinking about this and I believe there is a simple reason as to why this is.

Our human collective intelligence is increasing astronomically every year now. Three hundred years ago a single persons knowledge was not that very different from a person living three thousand years before them. But with civilization getting much more technological recently a single human with access to television, radio, phone, and internet has much more knowledge at a much younger age than if they had been that same age just 20 years ago.

So in ages past young people looked up to and respected their elders because the longer you lived the more experience you had and the wiser you became. A typical person traveled maybe 20 miles away from home in their lifetimes. They practically knew everyone from the time they were young till the day they died. So they were not able to hear of a vast amount of different lifestyles, choices and values. It wasn't common knowledge that if you made choice A that consequence X would happen 25 percent of times. Because the only person you knew who had done A had a more typical outcome that happens 75 percent of the time and you heard about it and thought "wow, I'll listen to them because I don't want that to happen to me even though I really want to do that." But now if a kid gets the understandable urge to do something that while fun can also predictably have a bad consequence 5 years down the road chances are they have heard the 2 percent that got away with it or overcame it and think "well if one person got away with it so can I." And they won't listen to older, more experienced people. They know better.

Oh course that is just one example and so is no big deal but take a whole lifetime of massive data from people you never met through the news, internet etc. being dumped on you and you thinking the biggest, bizarrest, most heard stories are typical instead of being told and retold precisely because they are not typical and so then you have kids who think they know it all and won't listen to one particular person anymore. Which is tragic but perhaps understandable. Of course the times the older person didn't quite foretell the future with their advice just muddies things up even more and 'proves' the individual wrong when compared to the a small percentage of the mass.

I don't think I am writing my thoughts very well. But mostly where I ended my thoughts at is this. I wish kids would understand that though a parent or other person who has their best interests at heart may be wrong sometimes it is not as often as you might think. You may not have heeded their advice and everything came out alright but that might be a fluke, that 5 percent deal. It doesn't make the older person wrong, untrustworthy or deserving of your disrespect. And an advantage to listening to a particular person instead of society is that that person is loyal to you while society usually isn't.

So you may have more 'collective knowledge' than I did at your age but a lot of that collective knowledge is the exceptions you hear more often because it is more rare.

So J is being a complete witch... to the point she even deleted me from myspace. She seems to feel that I should keep my mouth shut about all the really bad choices she has been making. Like that would be the right thing for me to do. I just don't know what to do about this right now. She is set on quitting school. Because of one person. This is just that last thing in a long list of big changes in her in the last 3 weeks. Everything she once felt strongly about is being turned on it's head. It makes no sense. She is like a completely different person anymore. And I am getting pretty scared for her. I hope she wakes up and realizes what is happening soon.

until JD leaves back for Georgia. 2 weeks twice a year is not long enough. I already miss him. And as he is in Ready Brigade depending on what congress decides this next week he might leave for Iraq before I see him again. He wants to go, now. He says he's ready. But I'm not.

In other news J is making stupid-ass decisions. Quite a few actually. I really don't know what to say to her.

And still all alone.

This holiday season has been especially hard on me.

I will die alone. And it tears me up to know this. But I don't want just anybody. I wish I wasn't a bonder. That I could be happy with any pretty face. But I can't. I need there to be a whole lot more. And it seems there are none others out there like me. Or none that are appropriate. I hate being lonely. I wish I didn't care.

What is truth?

And what is the lie?

Everything that touches me

Always longs to die.

Kindnesses I want to hold on to

Turn blue and gasping within my sight

Nothing stays and nothing is true

But that you lied to me

When you said you would never forget.

It comes down to this
A promise and a threat
Your double-edged words
Cut straight to my soul
They bleed into my thoughts
To scare me half to death
And my death is what you want
You come hard to these ideas
My mouth filled with your dirt
Fingernails ragged and torn
Trying to fight off this urge
In this tomb so dark
My lips turning blue
As I am filled by you
You promise to break me
Batter my body bruised
To destroy everything around
Including your very own self
You write and whisper them to me
All your sordid little fantasies
You warn me to be so very afraid
But never seem to understand me
Your vision of hell is my secret paradise
So torture me if you want
Do with me what you will
For you offer me the moon
If I visit your playground
And I have to debate
Whether you're a raving psycho
Or the sanest guy I know.

The days go by
Nothing is better
I watch you suffer
Because of another
I feel it's sad
That I can't be the one
That twisted your heart
In this painful knot
I know that sounds
Pathetic and cruel
But all I can say is
I wanted to be
The one to have an impact
Any at all
If not for the better
I'd settle for worse
But instead I'm invisible
I just vainly wish
I mattered to you
To any degree
But you have completely
Forgotten about me

Am I your nightmare?
Or just an experiment?
Screaming for your friend?
Or laughing behind my back?
Maybe it is neither
Just a sad, sad memory?
Which is it to be?
Make up your mind
You don't want your story to change
Are you my friend?
You said I was your bestest
Then you told another and another
The same exact thing
How fickle are you?
How cruel are you?
You said you were in love with me
Then you said it to another
And another again
All within days
Why all the change?
I told you once and then again
No one should say in love
Not unless it was real
The truth
Not as a game to get what you want
Or worse yet just for something to say
You are so against your best friend
Yeah still a different one
Against him manipulating the girls
But you are doing it too.
Only faster, sooner and harder
Than what he was doing
Why all the vehemence
Aimed only at him?
Don't you see?
You weren't just content with
An 'I love you' what you wanted was
'Im in love with you'
But 24 hours later and you were done with me.
After persuading me to say it and to fully feel it.
Then you laugh and share it while flirting with another
Yeah again an even different one
It wasn't like I barely knew you
So how could you have fooled me so completely?
How many do you try to get at once?
Lining them up just like ducks
Was I really just an experiment?
Do you think I have no heart to hurt?
When you play with it so carelessly?
Do you really not care at all?
About the pain you are inflicting?
Am I just a joke to make your friends laugh?
You knew me better than to do that.
Cared for me as a person more than that.
Or so I thought. So I had hoped.
Please don't let me be wrong.

Tonight I am drowning in this rough ocean
Each of these waves just another emotion
Pounding me under so far beneath
The place that all others do their loving

Choking and gagging on your cruelty
No matter that you do it unwittingly
Drowning is drowning no matter the intention
Dying is all I can hope for but not mention

Waiting all this while for a lifeguard
That doesn't come and never sees me
In this life I always draw the low card
Total abandonment but don't you see

I love you even if it shouldn't be
The choice was never mine
I never would have tried for the impossible
And I never wanted to pay this fine

So if I can't be saved by you
Please let me drown faster
As hanging on waiting for your breath
Does nothing but to prolong my death

Find your Celestial Choir

Slowly dieing all the while gasping
On this thick, putrid waste of regret
Longing for something sweet
Clear, easily circulated hope

Tense, spasming muscles
That long for your soothing touch
Fingers flexing, restlessly searching
For something they can't quite reach

Chest heaving, wishing desperately to
Explode with intense feeling
Break me wide open, please
And mend me back together again

Stomach knotted and twisted
Just the same as with my mind
Hurling out the sickness
That resides from within

Thighs shaking with the effort
Of fighting off this betrayal
Worthless struggle as I wait
For your sweet breath

That is forever promised
But never ever delivered
As my toes begin to curl
At the futility of it all

My inner mind's glazed eye
Has finally started to recognize
Your destructive sneer there in the place
Of my loving hero's saving face

You arrive at this safe place
Broken and in wounded pieces
Ragged breathing chokes out
Through your broken smile

To my dismay you hide behind
A series of unending lies
Dropping down to my knees
I search around for the pieces

That are your cut up heart and soul
Tape and glue don't fix you
What can I do that will be of help?
Why won't you even admit you need it?

My salty tears mix with your weakened blood
To form a compasionate paste so strong
My hands fumble to make you right
I do my best and you take off into the night

Only to show back up once again in denial
Of the anger and rage you carry within you
Your shield is growing much more brittle
Each and every time you have need of it

Your essence grows bitter as vinegar
And your eyes grow so terribly cold
Forceful movement guides your staggering walk
As an acidy tone laces your cynical talk

You don't know what you really need
All you believe is that what you want
Should be hidden under all the layers
Of others expectations and desires

Take out your dreams show them to me
I will help you polish them up so shiny
Unearth them from all the years of neglect
That kept them buried ever so secretly

I want you to smile again a real amused grin
And hear your child-like infectious laughter
To see you spin until you are a dizzy fool
I want to see you free to discover the real you

Step away from those that hurt you so
You can do it with only a bit of regret
I want to help you if you'll let me
Together we can break those chains that hold you

Bound to the world's wants and demands
Saying you only need what society deems worthy
But their sense of right need not be yours
So give theirs up and cling to your own reality

It might be uncomfortable and scary at first
As you stand up for your rights
But I'll be there holding your trembling hand
I won't let go til you're done with this fight

The world won't give up it's claim on you so easily
Until you decide it's views leave you still thirsty
I am standing by waiting for your signal
A cry first of outrage and then finally for mercy

I want be the keeper of all your secrets
A guard for your many daydreams
The protector that fights off all your enemies
But most importantly I want be your friend forever

Everything lies in ruins of hopeless despair
It has been my life-long trial to bear
This deep penetrating emptiness
In my lonely heart which doesn't quite dare

I sense the bright swirling colors of heat
Of the masses superficially burning lives
Just beyond my needy touch's reach
Dancing and flitting to and then always

Forever and always undeniably fro
Does my darkness push you away?
Is it so very scary for you to stay and play?
To unresistingly stay in these cool shadows?

Is it really me you are so afraid of?
My silent screams and colorless blood spilling clear
Or that my personal demons will infect
Ruin and totally devour you whole?

Just perhaps what you so surely fear
Is the unthinkably shamed and hidden desires
Of your twisted dark soul that surely craves
To keep and play with one of your very own

An ageless time has bled me of any color
I might have once upon a time worn
As the deep waters of evil has been allowed
Alas, encouraged free reign with total amnesty

What was I realistically expected to do?
Live in my own black hole without even a few
My angels of utter darkness and destruction
My only true and accepting friends

They who have not yet given up on me
But I suppose like everything else
In this selfish, competitive, backstabbing world
They too will find tasty new prey

Will it be you as the only brave one
Who comes by to flirt with such total abandon
The intrigue of it's seductive danger of fun
Can't we together enjoy this deep, dark place?

I promise to play nice and with hospitality
If you will only allow yourself to stay with me
Fearlessly and forever trustingly
In this lovely haunting place of mine

The calm serenity of your face
The gentleness of your voice
Lull me like a sweet sweet lullaby
It rocks me straight to another place

I never want to go home again
Please just let me stay right here
Keep me away from those abuses
That wait patiently for me out there

In this warm coccoon I feel at peace
Your protective hold is my safe haven
Your steady heartbeat the only music
I need to calm my irrational panic

Please don't ever let me go
I promise to be as good as I can be
If you will allow me this free santuary
From the demons that only I can see

What type of Fae are you?

Tears of glass spill down her face
Crimson pearls of longing and pain
Cutting deeply through sinew with
Bones sharply put on display.

You come with your smile and bandages
Ready to apply a bit of pressure
But what she needs is thread and a needle
Too bad you didn't think to use them.

Each day is painful so full of agony
But thanks to you she will not yet die
Indifferent caring has just that effect
Just don't expect her to thank you.

How long can she hold out against the
Infection and hurt without her painkiller and antibiotic
You come by often to give her an aspirin and a pat
Until that day she lays rotting on the otherside of the door.

Thoughts riquochet around inside
Desperate screams pierce the air
Sanity hangs like a wisp of smoke
Curling thinly finally dissipating
From a forgotten cigarette
Between numb and shaking fingers


In one moment just the briefest instant
The world crumbled down chasing the ash
Tumbling falling with such ease
Burning the wasted soul of its disease
Will it rise again happy and whole
Or is this to be the end of it all?

Spinning days go by with the lightening
Flashing the optimistic signs of hope
Disguising that the hidden truths
Lurk just beyond the shadowed night
Bright eyes like the daytime spring sky
Make light of those black halo-crowned doubts
That come to play when insidious thoughts
Steal into my quiet mind at dawnbreak
Starry black skies rock my hopes close
Blanketed away from the harshest light
Any wish can become my truth
For those few cherished precious hours
Protected by my dark guardians' gentle hold
Upside-down or diagonal I never am as confused
As the moment you come back to me
To tell something completely new
Your tune changes with every rushing tide
The moon is my keeper of secret hopes
She is also the pull of your fickle heart

I soar through the deep of night
Cool air whispers in my face
With unfettered delight
I realize I can leave that place

Home of unbearable pain and despair
Simply to vanish under fluttering wings
My heart has quite suddenly acquired
To lift my soul from it's bleak prison

My lungs become larger
As my breath clearly deepens
My heart is free to discover
The beat of a different tune

Diamond stars beckon to me
Playfully tempting me much further
Into an endless sea of daunting wishes
All shifting swirling and reforming

I glimpse a particularly dazzling
Silver mirrored reflective one
As it pulls me to itself I'm in awe
I won't make it there surely I will fall

As I reach for it's nearest point
My hand fuses into it's comforting light
And I know I can never fall back down
To that place I left so far behind

We are one and the same inside
It can never let me down or make me cry
Staring unto it is such utter joy
To kiss it would bring such indescribable bliss

Caution creeps in as I lean closer
Knowing that should my lips so much as touch it
Would bring with it both ecstacy and terror
Could we survive it or will we explode into the night sky?

Lying frozen in the silent night
My soft bed holds me hostage
Sinking me further into it's depths
As it greedily accepts another
Over my increasingly frenzied breath
I hear your own oh so steady and soft
I feel your presense and I want to fight
If not to fight then to run for safety
I try twisting turning but it's no use
Your anesthetic keeps me paralyzed
Only my eyes are under my control
But I am not going to thank you
What do you want - quit your staring
Do something then if you won't go away
Choke me punch me stab me rape me
Just do it now and get it over with
Evilness radiates off every ounce of you
Who are you...no what are you?
My mind is completely blown by the fact
The reality of your very existence
I've sadly learned there is no white prince
Ready to rescue the damsel in distress
So if nice fairy tales are not to be true
Why is there allowed to be a beast like you?
Demon ghost alien - whatever
Leave me to my own sick devices
You don't need to visit to drive me mad
I had already accomplished that on my own.